I Need to Buy a Brad Lidge Voodoo Doll
Fuck you, Brad Lidge. How did you recover from Pujols effectively ending your career? He hit that home run a half-mile. You were done. Worse than Eric Gagne. And now you’re the best goddamn closer in the NL, closing every game the Phillies win in the playoffs. WHAT THE FLYING FUCK. I hope the one game you fucked up — the All-Star Game — comes back to haunt your team if you make the World Series.
I still think the Dodgers will beat your team, but if they don’t, I want you to blow the final game of the season. Game 7 of the World Series at either the bandbox that is Fenway Park, or the shithole that is Tropicana Field. I will make sure to have my voodoo doll sitting on top of TV. Maybe I’ll have it pinned to a dartboard. And as I hit the bullseye, you will give up a home run to Pujols. But how will Pujols hit a home run if he’s not in the playoffs, you ask. There will be a rip in the space-time continuum and Pujols will replace whomever is up, doesn’t matter if it’s Dustin Pedroia or Evan Longoria. Nobody will notice. But I will. I will see the flicker of Pujols’ soul engulf the puny mortal’s frame. Mark my words: PUJOLS WILL DESTROY YOU ONCE AGAIN.