My Christmas (Mitchell Report) Wish List

So the Mitchell Report is coming out in a little over 12 hours. Every baseball fan is looking forward and/or dreading the names released. Obviously, I’m excited if it’s gotten me to update this blog for the first time in almost a month. From the 5 minutes I watched today, the PTI guys seem to think that a lot of people don’t care. From the baseball fans I know, they couldn’t be further from the truth. I keep hearing that there are going to be big names on it, but I can’t help but think this report can only disappoint tomorrow. They shouldn’t be getting people’s hopes up.

In the spirit of Christmas, here’s my wishlist:

Roger Clemens – Lots of fans have suspected him from a while, including myself. Not to mention he’s a total asshole. This would also really fuck with the writers who vote for the Hall of Fame. It’ll be hilarious to see them squirm.

Albert Pujols – Well, this isn’t so much hoped as much as expected.

Alex Rodriguez – Needs no explanation. …trannies

David Ortiz – Just to see Red Sox Nation cry beautiful, beautiful tears.

Chipper Jones – Braves fans would be…well, kinda disappointed. They’re horrible fans.

Curt Schilling – Would help to perpetuate the loudmouth hypocrite factor.

Gary Sheffield – Expected much more than Pujols, and maybe he would finally shut up.

Derek Jeter – The “intangibles” jokes would write themselves.

Tom Brady – I don’t care if he doesn’t play baseball.

As for people I DON’T want to see on the list…

David Wright – Man-crush

Bernie Williams – The best ballplayer I’ve ever met.

Ken Griffey Jr. – So he can continue to serve as the foil to Barry Bonds.

Mariano Rivera – Has always seemed like a good guy and a completely tranquil human being…that throws possibly the greatest pitch baseball has ever seen.

Greg Maddux – Always liked him more than Clemens, even if he was on the Braves. Plus he pees on rookies, which is disgustingly hilarious.

Ichiro – I don’t want him to commit seppuku and have the entire nation of Japan fall into a deep depression.

Pedro Martinez – He might be an asshole, but at least he’s pretty damn funny. Plus, he was the most dominant pitcher in the past 40 years for a while there.

Rick Ankiel – Oh wait, too late.

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~ by CajoleJuice on December 13, 2007.

7 Responses to “My Christmas (Mitchell Report) Wish List”

  1. I was searching for this kind of a blog for months now. Actually lost the hope of finding one, but here i am 🙂 Thanks for the great articles! Looking forward for a little read after dinner 🙂

  2. Clemens is one thing, but Jeter?

    Go snuggle up in your Mets T and hug your Mr.Met stuffed plush doll, but for the love of God, leave Jeter alone.

  3. The fallout would have been worth it.

    And Greg’s tears.

  4. you just like to see catastrophy, your allegiance lies no where

  5. Pretty much

    As the Germans say, schadenfreude

  6. the germans also say “throw the jew down the well” but that doesnt make it right

  7. But it’s funny (in Borat).

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