Soccer Players are Pansies
I’m pretty much convinced at this point that Zinedine Zidane is the only man to ever play professional soccer. If you don’t remember that name, he’s the guy that invented a fighting move that will be duplicated in future video games for years to come. But really, that name should have stuck in your head. It’s pretty badass.
It’s pretty sad that the greatest display of manlyness in your sport has come from a Frenchman.
As for tangible proof of the universal girliness of soccer players, I give the floor to two Youtube clips, courtesy of Deadspin – a popular sports blog that I only discovered fairly recently, just before Around the Horn and PTI showcased this story about Peyton Manning from the site. Yea, it’s a pretty awesome site.
Getting back to pussy soccer players, this first clip is embarrassing in multiple ways:
1. The fight consists of a dozen players slapping and pushing each other around in a manner that I believe duplicates quite nicely a backstage fight between female contestants on American Idol.
2. The one guy who throws a sucker punch runs and skips away like a prepubescent boy who just left a smoking bag of shit on his neighbor’s front porch.
3. Nobody could even catch the guy. Granted, the video ends shortly after, but he needed to be laid out ASAP.
Now this next clip is a bit shorter, but even more pathetic.
I’ve seen some dives in my time – mainly by Reggie Miller – but that one is just on a masterfully bad level. To get a yellow card for taking a dive is pretty goddamn embarrassing. Although, I can think of at least one parallel.
A-Rod is playing the wrong sport.