This is the Nintendo E3 2008 Conference in a Nutshell, as created by a fellow forum denizen by the name of jarosh. Pretty much sums up why Nintendo is embarrassing.

I am so glad I didn’t give a shit about E3 this year. Although, Final Fantasy XIII coming to Xbox 360 is fairly hilarious.

As if the results of interleague play this season weren’t embarrassing enough (AL 149 - NL 103), the NL just lost a 15 inning All-Star Game. They should be used to it by now, considering they haven’t won one in TWELVE YEARS. I was rooting for a tie once it went extras, since I knew that was the best the NL could muster.

I’m pretty sure the AL should’ve won the game about 11 different times, but they managed to play down to the level of the NL — which was pretty fucking bad. Dan Uggla looked like a Little Leaguer in the field. I’m dead serious here: I watched my 10-year-old cousin play baseball last week and the second basemen on his team was more reliable in the field. And the kid was like 4 feet tall. I’m not even trying to be funny here, I swear. Oh, and Uggla completely sucked at the plate too. In his most important at-bat of the night, he got totally clowned by 3 pitches in a row, the last one being a disgusting knee-buckling curve.

But Uggla doesn’t deserve all the blame, as the rest of the NL East decided to totally suck as well. Any team that has both Billy Wagner and Brad Lidge on their team is doomed to fail, especially when they have to be used in the same game. Wagner blew the All-Star Game for the NL AGAIN, even though he only had to get one out. He came in with 2 outs and bases empty in the 8th, knowing he wouldn’t even have to pitch in the 9th, and managed to give up a run. He is beyond worthless. And then no one scored again until Brad Lidge came in 7 innings later. What a surprise.

WITH OUR POWERS COMBINED…WE ARE

CAPTAIN BLOWN-GAME

(I’m sorry)

I really don’t have much else to say on the matter. Nate McClouth managed to make an amazing throw in the 11th to prolong the game, but Corey Hart wasn’t able to repeat the performance in the 15th. Probably since he shouldn’t have been an All-Star in the first place. Pat Burrell > him, and that’s not easy for a Mets fan to say.

I realize I didn’t even mention anything about the AL, but I wanted to focus on the suck.

Oh, and Bud Selig probably shit his pants on three different occasions tonight.

Before I go any further, I should make it clear I am mocking a comment from former S.I. writer, new ESPN writer/commenter Rick Reilly at the Home Run Derby. And I like making attention-grabbing headlines. I look forward to comments from people that didn’t even read any of the actual post.

After Josh Hamilton crushed 28 home runs in the first round of the contest, and thanked Jesus afterward, Reilly actually said “It’s a lousy night to be an atheist.” He had earlier commented on the whiteness of the participants. I’m pretty sure ESPN lowered his mic at this point. If ESPN didn’t need to honor the massive contract they just gave him, Chris Berman might have been given the word to eat him right on the spot.

It’s pretty ludicrous for Reilly to make such a comment — as if Hamilton being religious would sour atheists’ enjoyment of the show he put on. Unless it’s a bitter, pathetic atheist, I don’t think Hamilton thanking God after his spectacular display made unbelievers want to cry or get pissed at what Hamilton chooses to believe. Plenty of athletes thank God or Jesus on national television. Although, what made Hamilton stand out was the fact that he thanked Jesus even after he lost to Justin Morneau (who no one will remember winning).

I find it hard to believe that God or Jesus would care about a Home Run Derby, but maybe they wanted to give him a glorious moment, and at the same time keep him humble enough to not start doing heroin again. (Didn’t you hear? He used to take drugs, apparently.) Or maybe he is just a beast that ran out of gas because the Home Run Derby is a painfully long process that no one cares about once a dude has one ridiculous round of 500 foot bombs. Whichever one you care to believe in, I’m sure we can agree that Joe Morgan is a moron.

He picked Chase Utley to win “because he’s a good line-drive hitter.” What. WHAT.

And I’m not even sure if that’s hyperbole. The Wimbledon final between Roger Federer and Rafael Nadal was that absolutely insane. It even achieved the feat of turning John McEnroe into a pathetic fanboy. I feel obligated to write this post — even though it’s so late — since my post about LAST YEAR’S Wimbledon final is getting a shitload of hits. But the match deserves a massive post, anyway. It took up my entire Sunday, so the least I can do is write a bunch of words only a few people will read.

I woke up a little later than I wanted to — 10 am — but the match started a bit late, so I only missed 3 games. Amazingly, Nadal had already broken Federer. So I plopped myself in my computer chair, in front of my laptop and SDTV, and threw up a post about that fact on the GAF Wimbledon thread. Little did I know I’d be sitting there for the next SIX AND A HALF HOURS.

I was posting in the GAF thread and talking in IRC the entire match. It was the closest I could get to watching the match with other people. Every great rally or incredible shot was greeted with a chorus of “HOLY SHIT!”s and “HOW THE FUCK?”s. It didn’t really get crazy until the second set, though. Due to both Federer playing one of his almost-signature subpar first sets and Americans slowly waking up.

As the second set started, Federer activated Federbot mode, and he quickly broke Nadal. I was pretty worried that Nadal was in trouble, but then the unimaginable happened. Federer blew a 4-1 set lead by getting broken TWICE. In the same set. At Wimbledon. He only had his serve broken twice in the REST OF THE TOURNAMENT. With a two-set lead in his capri pants pocket, it looked like Nadal was on his way to another straight-set final win over Federer, a la the French Open. It looked so over that this NYT writer that was covering the match went and watched Hancock instead. That guy shouldn’t be allowed to write another sports article ever again. Go review shitty Will Smith blockbusters, asshole. But my growing hate of sportswriters, commentators, and announcers is best left for another post. I wasn’t paid to watch the match, yet I continued sitting here because I knew I was watching history: Federer losing his bid to win his 6th straight Wimbledon, and the balance of power in tennis shifting in one momentous occasion.

But Federer didn’t roll over like at the French Open. This was his tournament — he wasn’t going to let some Spanish kid running around the court like a dog playing fetch take his crown. So he decided to make it rain in the middle of the third set. Yes, I’m fairly certain Federer can control the weather. When they came back to play the rest of the set, Federer seemed refreshed. The hour delay had no doubt neutralized Nadal’s momentum, and I was pissed. As the third set went to a tiebreak, I knew there was no way Nadal could win it, and he unsurprisingly gave it up easily. We had a championship match on our hands.

By this time, my stomach was already a wreck, and it only got worse until the match ended 3 hours later. I haven’t pulled for a player like I do with Nadal since Pete Sampras was still playing. I wanted to see Nadal beat Federer on the brink of history, like seeing the Giants ruin the Patriots’ perfect season on the very last drive of the Super Bowl.

I’m not even going to bother trying to explain or describe most of the fourth set, since I really don’t remember much. I just know there were no breaks, and they went to another tiebreaker. I figured Federer had it wrapped up once again, but Nadal jumped out to a big 5-2 lead with the opportunity to serve the match out — but then he double-faulted. Next thing he knew, Federer was up 6-5. Nadal soon managed to have two match points, though — but both times Federer countered with obscene shots. In between, Nadal had one of his own. Like I mentioned, there’s no point to trying to describe it in words. I just remember wanting to puke. Especially when the tiebreak ended with Federer winning yet again.

The crowd, the momentum, and history were all on Federer’s side. Nadal had blown two championship points. It was getting harder and harder to imagine the 22-year-old Spainard pulling off the impossible. It was looking like instead of the Super Bowl upset, it would end up with me wanting to bite my tongue off in anger, like when I watched the ending to Heat.

During the fifth set, it rained again. It looked like the match would spill over into the next day, since the British apparently don’t know how to build ROOFS OR LIGHTS. I was flipping out, imagining the possibility of not being able to watch the end of possibly the greatest tennis match ever live. But after only a half-hour, they were back on the court, even if it was getting dark. This time, the rain delay helped Nadal. It took until the 15th game of the set, but Nadal finally broke Federer to go up 8-7, to have the opportunity to serve out the match. In case you didn’t know, there is no tiebreak in the 5th set at Wimbledon. At this point, both players said they could barely see. Federer looked exhausted. He was done. Nadal served it out, ending the match after 4 hours and 48 minutes. Pete Sampras was masturbating furiously at home.

6-4, 6-4, 6-7 (5), 6-7 (8), 9-7

Wimbledon Champion: Rafael Nadal

The first time Federer had lost on grass since 2002. His 65-match grass court streak ended. His 40-match winning streak at Wimbledon over, one short of Bjorn Borg’s record, and left forever tied with Borg with five straight Wimbledon titles. And Nadal becoming the first man since Borg in 1980 to win the French Open and Wimbledon in the same year.

Now, as the tournament started, I posted this:

Wimbledon 2008. If Federer wins: He’s still got it, greatest player ever, Sampras am fucked. If Federer loses: His reign at the top is over, he might never break Sampras’ record, Nadal owns his soul. I’m going with the latter.

I am awesome. And I stand by it. Federer still has more than a good chance to break Sampras’ record, but it doesn’t seem to be the foregone conclusion it was before this year. Breaking Sampras’ record of seven Wimbledon titles also looks a lot less likely. He’s going to be 27 in less than a month. His prime is over, the era of the Swiss android winning 3 out of 4 Grand Slams every year is past. And Nadal quite obviously owns his soul. Federer was despondent after the match, on the verge of tears when talking to John McEnroe in the post-match interview — prompting McEnroe to hug him. A hilarious moment, albeit not for Federer. Nadal has totally broken him in the past two Grand Slams. First, by embarrassing him at the French, and now by taking away the championship that he cares about most.

Now, Federer and Nadal are both still head-and-shoulders above the rest of tennis, but Novak Djokovic can cement his status to be mentioned in the same breath as them if he manages to win the U.S. Open. This has to be the most important U.S. Open in years. People are going to expect Nadal to win, even though he hasn’t quite mastered hard courts yet. And Federer has to prove that he’s still the best, as his perch on top of the ATP rankings is teetering. Meanwhile, Djokovic is the guy who actually won the last hard court Grand Slam at the Australian Open. But that almost deserves an asterisk, as Federer had mono at the time. I hear mono can have lingering effects; maybe Federer still isn’t 100%, who knows. I just know I’m looking forward to the U.S. Open more than any other sporting event right now (especially since both the Mets and Yankees don’t look like they’re going to make the playoffs).

Thank you Rafael Nadal, for making tennis exciting again. The entire nation of Spain must be partying 24/7 between you and Euro 08.

It is Fourth of July weekend. I haven’t made a new post in way too long. I wanted to make a “Why America Rocks” post on the 4th, but I never managed to do it. Probably because I was being too busy being American. Too busy eating hamburgers and hot dogs while watching baseball. Too busy driving motorized coolers off of decks. Too busy watching the American hero Joey Chestnut take down the Japanese menace Kobayashi once again, this time in a 5-DOG EATOFF. EPIC.

You know what else is American? Batman. You know what is even more American? Watching Batman on IMAX. The Dark Knight in IMAX is going to give me a 2-and-a-half hour pants-tearing erection. I will drive approximately 40 minutes to see it in IMAX. Wasting gas needlessly to watch a movie on an unnecessarily massive screen? AMERICAN. Oh wait, did I say “needlessly” and “unnecessarily”? I better watch myself, as that is treading a dangerous line. The minute I lean towards thinking such an activity is a waste of valuable resources, the terrorists have won.

America is watching football on Sundays while sitting on your couch drinking beer, not watching some dumb European soccer tournament. America is playing Fantasy Baseball and pretending like you actually know what you’re doing during the draft. America is using the internet to scam and cheat as much as possible (2100 free Microsoft points FTW). America is Will Smith coming out with a mediocre blockbuster every other 4th of July weekend. America is rooting for the underdog — GO NADAL. America is stealing the best people from other countries — Einstein, Arnold, Ichiro, and Victoria’s Secret models. America is eating breakfast at 3 in the morning at a 24-hour diner. America is sending drunk messages on Facebook and regretting it later. America is where the rest of the world comes to fulfill their dreams, and where ungrateful Americans complain and dream about moving to other countries.

AMERICA

Here is the 20-minute gameplay video is hi-res glory.

Actually, I’m not quite sure what to think of the game just yet. It’s incredible that they’ve been working on the game for 3 years already, and you can tell in the polish shown in every aspect of the game already. Blizzard must have an “under penalty of death” clause in their employee contracts, as nothing is ever leaked.

On the other hand, the graphics are a bit underwhelming, much in the same way as Starcraft II’s. I’m not even sure if it looks better than Titan Quest, a two-year-old game (and also the best Diablo 2 clone out there). Also, as a forum poster has pointed out, the colors just seem a bit off for Diablo.

This picture sums it up.

The physics and cool stuff shown off in the trailer more than make up for however many polygons are missing from player and monster models, though. Blizzard never fails to deliver, so of course I have faith the game will rock my socks.

…except for less Cardinals, Barbaro (he’d still find a way to work some in), and Carl Monday references.

Now, I’m definitely not what you’d call a Deadspinner, since I don’t have a commenting account; I like to think of myself as a fan. It’s definitely the most entertaining sports blog on the internet. But that fact is due to the commenters, not Leitch. And I know Leitch realizes this, as he sells out to the man by departing for New York Magazine.

Leitch sits around in his underwear all day, throwing up half-assed posts — his next masturbation session only a few clicks away — leaving his followers to pick the slack by being totally awesome. As I recently mentioned, I can barely manage reading comments without losing control. I think Leitch only makes me laugh when he posts pictures of himself. Who would’ve thought a guy with emo bangs would help fuel a sports fan revolution?

But if it’s the commenters that actually supply the humor, Leitch is the ringleader. He provided the venue, and helped spawn and fuel other great sports blogs. And for that I, along with thousands of sports fans across the country, am grateful. I’m also grateful for him linking my blog a year ago — not because it helped fuel a massive new influx of readers or helped me get some ad money — but because I feel like I’m a tiny part of Deadspin history.

In closing, I highly recommend checking out Deadspin and searching for “Will Leitch Blogebrity Roast,” as the roast last week was one of the most epic internet events ever.

My highlights would have to be:

A Special Message from Ron Zook

And of course:

Out of completely fucking NOWHERE, the Friends theme song popped into my head and wouldn’t GET THE FUCK OUT. Yes, the Friends theme song. You know what I’m talking about. In fact, I hope you hear it in your head right now.

I’ll be there for youuuuuu
When the rain starts to fall
I’ll be there for youuuuuu
Cause you’re there for me tooooooooooooo

That will take at least 15 minutes to shake off. I hope you suffer like I did. Only thing is, I had no impetus, absolutely no reason, to have such a horrible thing happen to me. I was minding my own business, taking a dip in the pool after doing some honest hard work, and my brain was apparently pissed.

I can’t even remember the last time I heard the song, yet in my head I could hear it loud and clear, as if I had been watching Friends re-runs for the past 10 years every day, when the reality is the complete opposite. I know a commercial for It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia spoofed that water fountain crap, but I’m pretty sure it didn’t use the song. So where did the song come from? What could possibly trigger such an occurrence?

How the brain is wired is one of the biggest questions in science nowadays, and something like this serves to illuminate why. How could such a random thing be quanitified? Jumping into cold water –> Friends theme song? Maybe because they’re both kinda painful? That’s the only possible connection I can think of. It’s incomprehensible stuff like this that no A.I. program will be able to duplicate — at least not for a long, long time.

On a side and final note, I’ve heard numerous people say how the American version The Office is basically Friends all over again. Now, I think Season 2 of The Office is one of the best seasons of television I’ve seen, so it’s hard for me to accept the comparison, no matter how shitty it gets and how much relationship drama they come up with. But I did watch Friends when I was a pre-teen, and I remembered *gasp* liking it. I am tempted to watch the first couple of seasons just for research purposes to see if it’s actually good. Purely scientific, I swear.

Damn it, why did that song have to pop into my head uninvited? Look at what I just wrote.

Keeping up the motivation for blogging is pretty tough. Especially since I don’t have delusions of ever writing anything for money.

Let’s get this out of the way now: Starcraft II looks like shit.

Staying on that topic, Valve has surpassed Blizzard as ultimate PC developer. The former’s awesome constant updates to TF2 have confirmed this fact. Blizzard spending the majority of their time on WoW left the door open.

I think today might have the first time I actually worked for the majority of an 8-hour workday. So far at my new job, this has been more appropriate:

On a related note, I can’t read Deadspin at work. I absolutely lose it sometimes. For example, I couldn’t stop laughing for at least 15 minutes after reading these comments (WARNING: Only funny if you have grown up listening to the Mike and the Mad Dog radio program). For the rest of the day, I kept hearing Chris Russo yelling, “I said anchovies, you cocksucker! What? You don’t fuck with me– I’m The Mad Dog!!”

This is a tip for the ladies. If you don’t talk, then 1) if you dress conservatively = quiet girl 2) if you don’t = stuck-up bitch. This is how we men think — please don’t kill the messenger.

Redheads are either hideous or gorgeous. There is no middle ground. I can’t even come up with a punchline for that. Now you can kill the messenger.

Wimbledon 2008. If Federer wins: He’s still got it, greatest player ever, Sampras am fucked. If Federer loses: His reign at the top is over, he might never break Sampras’ record, Nadal owns his soul. I’m going with the latter.

The kid in this GIF is how I feel whenever I watch the Mets:

Speaking of feeling, I think I have schizophrenia of some sort coming on, as I had some of the weirdest dreams I’ve ever had a few nights ago (one involving mock Nazi rallies and one where I got shot in the face multiple times), and then the following day I didn’t recognize my handwriting as my own at one point. Soon enough, I’ll start waking up not knowing how I got there. Oh wait, crap. Damn you, alcohol.

The Dark Knight has to be the most anticipated movie among my friends since The Matrix Reloaded. Another parallel: I plan on making The Dark Knight the second film I see in IMAX, after The Matrix Reloaded. Let’s hope the similarities end there. Oh shit, the actress who played the Oracle died before Reloaded came out…

This is one of my favorite NeoGAF posts in a while:

So did i. Though as a reminder of just how awesome Weathers is

Carl Weathers should run against Arnold in California so they can greet each other at debates this way

Imagining that provides me with immense joy.

Courtesy of F@NB0Y$ via NeoGAF. That link to the site contains the full-size image if you can’t read this.

I promise I will really update tomorrow.